Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Can't sleep.. here's a look into my dark side..

Here I sit, a 26 year old man with nothing to show for my life. I have accomplished nothing of any real merit. Not a single thing I've done or said will get me anywhere. I will not be remembered for the things I've done.
Those thoughts are merely the beginning. From there, things go even farther downhill. My train of thought eventually reaches the point of no return. And let me tell you: when that happens, I'm one hell of a wreck. We're talking panic attacks, lack of sleep, self-discouragement, overeating; the whole 9 yards. I actually get so bad that I do nothing, quite literally. I lay in bed, trapped in my own living nightmare, where there's no sign of hope.

The worst part about this whole thing is that I can't stop myself from thinking about these negative things. No matter who tells me everything will be okay, the reality of my life is right there, dangling in front of me. There's no way to just make that reality something different by clapping my hands. It is what it is and that's how things work.

I don't know what to do. Am I slow? Is there actually something mentally wrong with me? Am I just unable to live the same life as everyone else? I truly don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm capable of many things, but there's no career out there for someone my age that hasn't ever held a serious long-term job. I have a GED and 0 college credits. I never plan on going back to school, either. And no, it's not due to a lack of interest. I literally can't learn things as they're taught to the masses.

Yes, I learn fast. Yes, I'm intelligent, Yes, I have a whole lot of interests. Those are not the problems.

The problem is that I learn at a very fast pace in a hands on atmosphere, but I absolutely require a serious interest in the material. I absolutely cannot remember things if I have no serious interest in the subject. It's a serious problem that extends into every aspect of my life.

To give you an example, I understand how many foreign languages work. The same goes for programming languages. However, I can't actually remember most of the words/phrases, no matter how hard I try. With programming, I forget all sorts of variables and the exact way things are written. I know the structure and I can generally read code like it's the English language, but I can't create things from scratch without reference snippets and a shitload of time to refine things over and over. If there were a job simply reading code and translating it, I would be a genius. But that's not the way things work.

But anyway, I've applied for many jobs. I've created a few resumes and sent those out, too. I've even received decent job offers that require a license, but that creates yet another problem: I need money to get my permit, take driver's ed, buy a car and keep myself insured. My parents and various other family members were never willing to help me with that.

Yes, yes. I realize that it's a normal part of life to work at a local job by using the bus or simply walking to and from work, then using the money for the whole permit->driver's ed->car thing. However, I've yet to be hired by anywhere, local or not, that can deal with my bad back and/or Tourette's Syndrome.

Yes, my back problems can be that serious and the whole thing does prevent me from performing tasks that involve heavy lifting or being on my feet constantly for 8 hours a day. Yes, I really have Tourette's Syndrome and YES, it's a serious problem in many fields of work. Think about it. How would some clueless customer feel about an employee yelling the word "Balls" in their ear? It's not going to happen 24/7, but anyone who knows me understands. I can't control it half the time. The rest of the time, I'm just joking around. But that other half? Yeah, it doesn't just disappear. It's a very harsh reality.

I mean, on the casual side of things, I can enjoy my social life and be happy like anyone else, but I feel like my life is ending before I even have a chance to be independent. Sure, I can be happy and have a great time, but how is that going to get me a home, groceries, a license, a car and support for an eventual family someday? It wont.

It could be argued that I'm the only one who can take action and turn this all around, but I'm doing what I can with the means I have access to. I don't seem to have any reliable connections to get my foot in the door anywhere and no one out there is willing to offer serious or helpful advice. People can tell me "You'll find something!", but I need REAL help. I need help finding local jobs. I need help sorting shit out and really gathering the pieces of my life together before it's too late. I don't want to be a 40 year old man sleeping in my parent's house. I want to be independent and really own my life.

I obtained my diploma. That's a start. It's a late start, for sure, but it's something. From here, I have no idea what to do or where to go. Even if I were to obtain my license, I couldn't afford a car and especially not the constant insurance bills. It's a paradox. Maybe there's something wrong with me, but I just don't "get it".

Such is life. If anyone out there has constructive stuff to say, please, feel free to privately message me and we'll talk. I'm open to all forms of advice and suggestions.

For now, I need to chill out. Writing used to get rid of the anxiety, but it just doesn't work anymore...

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